Airport lounges

December 23rd, 2009 | No Comments

I submit that for the vast majority of North Americans, the thrill is found not in the journey, but solely in the destination. If we accept this premise, then the airport is the place that no one wants to be.

Airport lounges are society’s petri dish. Tucked-in sweaters mix with pre-ripped blue jeans and new-mom nickel slots (exposed butt crack from constantly bending to wipe the baby’s nose). People that were cute 30 pounds ago feign smiles at children that look as though they just woke up, and their parents who appear to have yet to go to bed.

Of course there is gratitude for having passed through the station where my possessions are searched for liquids, gels, and Dick Cheney. A quick refresher course: your boarding pass lists a confirmed seat for you on the plane. Everyone should have to experience general admission seating for Pearl Jam, just to have a reference point to allow them to distinguish other activities in life that should NOT elicit behavioral similarities. What is it about pre-boarding solicitations for seniors and those traveling with small children that evokes a lounge-wide response reminiscent of urine-filled elementary school children lining up for an assembly in the gymnasium?

Airline regulations stipulate that the maximum size of carry-on luggage is 20 inches in North America, and 19 inches when flying internationally. However common sense dictates that these limits are negated when you allow people to board all loaded up like Grecian donkeys lugging tourists up the staircase on Santorini.

It is fortunate that telepathy is under-developed by the masses, or someone would smack me for my horrible stream of consciousness… yes, I get the irony of your shirt that says “my wiener is big in Japan” above a photo of a dachshund; and you with the spitting child, wearing the shirt that says “handsome”, I get the unfortunate irony there too. Sorry, I avoid actually calling it like I see it. And like a karma button, the kid starts to cry. Is it even 7am yet?

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